Funny Spam |
| 11.06.2006, 12:59 | minightcoms | Auf diesen Beitrag antworten » | ||
| New Toilet Policy Staff Notice With immediate effect, a toilet policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for staff, ensuring effective time management and equal treatment for all. On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued 20 toilet trip credits which may be accumulated. The doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer-linked voice recognition devices. Staff must immediately provide management with two voiceprints, one normal and one under stress. Once the employee's toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet will not unlock for the employee's voice until the first of the month. In addition, all cubicles are to be equipped with timed paper-roll extractors. If the toilet is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds later, the roll of toilet paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the door will open automatically. If the toilet remains occupied, your photograph will be taken by a security camera and will appear on the Toilet Offenders Board. Anyone appearing three times will forfeit three months' toilet trip credits. Anyone caught smiling when the photograph is taken will undergo counseling by a clinical psychologist. Be advised that workmen's compensation insurance does not cover any injuries incurred while trying to stop the toilet paper retracting into the dispenser. |
||||
| 25.07.2006, 20:20 | JungleMan | Auf diesen Beitrag antworten » | ||
| Immigration Office The lady at the Immigration and Naturalization office came into the office late one day to see a room full of people. She took a moment to overhear a conversation already in progress before her anonymity was compromised. Two Italians were engaged in an animated conversation. Her attention was galvanized when she heard one of them say: First Emma, she coma. Then I coma. Then to asses they bump togetha'. Then I coma again. Then to asses they bump togetha' again. Then I coma again. Then pee twice. Then I coma one lasta' time. "You foul mouth swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" He says to her, "Hey, coola downa lady. Imma justa teachin' my frena' howa' to spella' Mississippi." |
||||
| 29.07.2006, 14:22 | tennisiska | Auf diesen Beitrag antworten » | ||
| Tennis? While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust. "Tennis ball," came the breathless reply. "Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once." |
||||
| 20.08.2006, 06:25 | VulkanBabe | Auf diesen Beitrag antworten » | ||
| Quick, Get me a beer! A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.” The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, the man says, “Get me another beer before it starts.” She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute.” The wife is furious. She yells at him, “Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore…” The man sighs and says, “It’s started…” |
||||
| 21.08.2006, 09:01 | Basovic | Auf diesen Beitrag antworten » | ||
| Funny Spam Dear Abby, My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning. When I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse is everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating! Also, since he lost his job two years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is sit around the living room in his underwear and watch TV while I work to pay the bills. And since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me. He keeps calling me a lesbian. What should I do? Signed Clueless Dear Clueless: Dump him. You're a New York senator now. You don't need him anymore! |
||||
| 23.08.2006, 12:39 | EnglishGirl | Auf diesen Beitrag antworten » | ||
| Letters on Chest A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?" |
||||
| Anzeige | ||||
|
|
||||
| 24.08.2006, 03:11 | Belenki | Auf diesen Beitrag antworten » | ||
| What We Say.. "I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself." He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight." Services will be held Saturday for the deceased husband! |
||||
| 24.08.2006, 13:57 | Svinuska | Auf diesen Beitrag antworten » | ||
| The wife is not speaking The wife is not speaking to me One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried. "What's the matter?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days." The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender. "Yeah, except today is the last day." |
||||
| 28.08.2006, 18:25 | SeaKiss | Auf diesen Beitrag antworten » | ||
| Romance in the 70s An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting. "Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me". Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!" |
||||
| 02.09.2006, 17:09 | Sichaeus | Auf diesen Beitrag antworten » | ||
| A good 8 inches This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? This is a true story . . . There was a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too because they were laughing so hard! |
||||
| 04.09.2006, 03:20 | MartiniMotor | Auf diesen Beitrag antworten » | ||
| Dog on a Fire truck A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a dalmatian dog. The children started to discuss the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he is just for good luck." Then a third child brought the argument to a close..."They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant." |
||||
| 05.09.2006, 09:13 | SilvestrPirat | Auf diesen Beitrag antworten » | ||
| Designated Decoy.. Designated Decoy.. One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.". |
||||
| 05.09.2006, 12:54 | Zaepiska | Auf diesen Beitrag antworten » | ||
| Canadian Sailor A nurse was telling a gorgeous co-worker about the Canadian sailor who was a patient in Ward Ten. “He’s tattooed,” she confided in a low voice, “in a very intimate place!” “You, mean – “ grasped the beautiful nurse. “Yes! Isn’t that odd? There’s actually a word tattooed there: ‘Swan.’’’ “This I’ve got to see,” exclaimed the voluptuous one, and she hurried off to Ward Ten. Half an hour later, she returned. “You were right,” she said, “he is tattooed there. But the word is ‘Saskatchewan’!’’ |
||||
| 07.09.2006, 01:08 | Mantana | Auf diesen Beitrag antworten » | ||
| How can you tell How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher, a nurse or an airline stewardess? - A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right. - A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit. - And an airline stewardess says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally. |
||||
| 07.09.2006, 05:21 | AmericanBoy | Auf diesen Beitrag antworten » | ||
| Forgetful Pilot Forgetful Pilot... After an airliner encounters a particularly rough patch of turbulence, the captain comes on the intercom to reassure the passengers that everything is okay and that the flight should be smooth the rest of the way. He forgets to turn off the intercom, however, and everyone in the passenger cabin hears his subsequent comment to the co-pilot: "Boy, I sure could use a blow job and a cup of coffee right about now!" As a flight attendant frantically rushes up the aisle towards the cockpit to warn the captain that his microphone is open, a waggish passenger calls out after her, "Don't forget the coffee!" |
||||
| 09.09.2006, 05:12 | Everybodys | Auf diesen Beitrag antworten » | ||
| How to pick up woman Man: "Have I shown you my magic watch?" Woman: "No, what does it do?" Man: "It tells me you are not wearing any underwear." Woman: "Well it must be broken because I am wearing underwear!" Man: "Hmm... It must be an hour fast." |
||||
| 09.09.2006, 14:00 | Lambadas | Auf diesen Beitrag antworten » | ||
| Fish market One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit. He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts. Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies! |
||||
| 10.09.2006, 10:49 | CatLabrador | Auf diesen Beitrag antworten » | ||
| Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters. The Englishman says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes". The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I can across a full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank". With that the Irishman says "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a Penis". |
||||
| 14.09.2006, 13:03 | FriendGirls | Auf diesen Beitrag antworten » | ||
| Code for love There was a couple who did not want their children to know when they were going to have sex, so they decided on a code of ''writing a letter.'' One day, Daddy said to his daughter, ''Tell your mommy that Daddy wants to write a letter.'' The girl went and told her mommy and the mom said, ''The red ribbon is coming out, not now.'' The girl went back to the daddy and told him. One day, Mommy told her daughter to tell her daddy that she wanted to write a letter. Daddy replied, ''Not now. Daddy already wrote the letter by hand.'' |
||||
| 16.09.2006, 07:39 | Fantomaska | Auf diesen Beitrag antworten » | ||
| Wedding A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?" His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life." The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?" |
||||
| 17.09.2006, 09:01 | penguins | Auf diesen Beitrag antworten » | ||
| ice cream parlor A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "arthritis." |
||||
| 18.09.2006, 10:19 | SentiGirls | Auf diesen Beitrag antworten » | ||
| Sausage Joke.. Two sausages were in a fry pan, sizzling away. One says to the other: "Quick, we've got to get out of here - we're starting to cook!" The other screamed: "ARRRRGGGHHH! A talking sausage!" |
||||
| 21.09.2006, 16:57 | companions | Auf diesen Beitrag antworten » | ||
| The Wife and Mistress cruise A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior. When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. "She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported. The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife. "She was a real lady," his mistress said. "How so?" the encouraged man asked. "She came on board with her husband and never left his side." |
||||
| 23.09.2006, 16:12 | PatrolSnow | Auf diesen Beitrag antworten » | ||
| Funny Spam A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use about 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day. She thought about this, then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. Looking stunned, he said, "What?" |
||||
| 27.09.2006, 18:16 | CloudsGirl | Auf diesen Beitrag antworten » | ||
| Ignorance is Bliss! Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in spring, and she welcomed him into her parlour. She invited the pastor to have a seat while she prepared some tea. As he sat facing her old pipe organ, the pastor noticed a small cut glass bowl sitting on top, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise, imagine his curiosity. When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat.The pastor tried his best to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could hold back no longer. As politely as he could, the pastor inquired: "Miss Bea, I wonder if you could tell me about this?" he asked, pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied. "It's really quite wonderful. I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet and it would prevent disease. And you won't believe it," she continued, "but I haven't had a cold all winter." |
||||
| 01.10.2006, 02:58 | KometaBabe | Auf diesen Beitrag antworten » | ||
| Annual Physical An elderly gentlemen went in for his annual physical exam. The doctor said, "You're in incredible shape. How old are you again?" The man replied, "I am 78." The doctor exclaimed, "Wow, 78. How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60 year old." The man explained, "Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside to settle down." "What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor. The man sighed, "I've pretty much lived an outdoor life." |
||||
| 04.10.2006, 07:17 | Commandres | Auf diesen Beitrag antworten » | ||
| Swimming in Florida While fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old guy standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!" Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" "Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the old guy said. "The sharks got 'em." |
||||
| 10.10.2006, 21:07 | Afetroons | Auf diesen Beitrag antworten » | ||
| Sneezing Sneezing A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that is about to take off. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes himself off with his handkerchief. He zips up, and continues reading his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she has just seen. Then he sneezes again, unzips, and wipes himself off again with the handkerchief. The woman says, "Excuse me, sir, but that's disgusting and rude! If you do it again, I'm going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane." He says, "I'm so sorry that I've offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze." The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what are you taking for it?" "Pepper," he answers. |
||||
| 31.10.2006, 16:47 | Speedometr | Auf diesen Beitrag antworten » | ||
| Five tips for a woman.. Five tips for a woman.... 1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job. 2. It is important that a man makes you laugh. 3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you. 4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you. 5. It is important that these four men don't know each other. |
||||
| 09.11.2006, 05:10 | niceArleth | Auf diesen Beitrag antworten » | ||
| Cigarettes and Tampons A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store To get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco And some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo–oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... So does she. |
||||
| 10.11.2006, 06:50 | elephanbro | Auf diesen Beitrag antworten » | ||
| Obsession Obsession A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving." |
||||
| 12.11.2006, 07:45 | Sigmonda | Auf diesen Beitrag antworten » | ||
| Fridge Photos I was home visiting my folks and my mom asked me to set the table for dinner. When I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a photo of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, naked young woman "Mom, what's this?" I asked. "Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat," she answered. "Is it working?" I asked "Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!" |
||||
| 22.11.2006, 16:25 | Makkler | Auf diesen Beitrag antworten » | ||
| Room with a view Ok, don't shoot me if I actually read this joke on this forum in the first place... During a visit to the Mental Asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug." Do you want a room with or without a view? |
||||
| 28.11.2006, 09:16 | Cancleer | Auf diesen Beitrag antworten » | ||
| 54 And Having Fun A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads: Dear Wife (that's what he called her): I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary. When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: Dear Husband (that's what she called him): I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. |
||||
| 01.02.2007, 09:28 | Dual Space | Auf diesen Beitrag antworten » | ||
| Use of the car A young boy just received his driving permit. He asks his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. "I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk." A month later, the boy comes back and asks his father if they could discuss his use of the car. "Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've studied your Bible, but you didn't get your hair cut!" "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!" PS. Weil ich nicht weiß wie ich die Witze aus dem Spamordner rausbekomme, ohne unseren Filter zu verwirren, werde ich sie von nun an per copy and paste posten. |
||||
| 01.02.2007, 09:31 | Dual Space | Auf diesen Beitrag antworten » | ||
| Father One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth. However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money." The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee on Hillary Clinton's 2008 presidential campaign, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids." PS. Mir gefällt folgende Version ja fast noch besser: ... "No," the boy said, "He works as a programmer for Microsoft, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids." 
|
||||
| 07.02.2007, 09:18 | Dual Space | Auf diesen Beitrag antworten » | ||
2 bachelors
|
||||
|
|
